You want to know something pathetic AND disgusting? I’m sitting here reading pro-ana blogs (as in pro-anorexic) and I’m eating french vanilla ice cream by the spoonful. I seriously feel like barfing now. Oh the irony! Plus, being too lazy to actually get a bowl and serve it, I’m eating this shit right out of the carton. The sick part is that I actually relate to a lot of what these young delusional girls think about their lives/eating/bodies. They want control, no, they NEED control. They want perfection and until they get it, they will never be happy. Sadly, that statement is my life in a nutshell. Although you’d never think it by looking at me…
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Perhaps it would help if you WERE to let it out into the light. Maybe your emotions are getting so pent up from not sharing with anyone. If I recall, you’re often by yourself and Phil works a graveyard shift. That can’t leave you with much option for rest, or to talk to anyone about your hurts, fears… your life.
I’m about 45 pounds heavier than when you first “met” me and I often feel like a failure, and out of control for what I let happen to me. I’m pretty sure part of it is a thyroid issue, but other than that… I just stopped caring about myself.
I’m almost 10 pounds lighter now that I’m just focusing on eating better and trying to just be healthier. But overweight or not, I have to realize that I’m not a bad person, nor am I a failure for gaining weight. I’m human, and it happens. I’m not blessed with the ability to eat whatever, whenever and not gain weight – so I’ll have to deal with it and make sure to stay on track.
I completely understand that part of your struggle right now. It is my own struggle every day that I look into the mirror.
I hope you are able to find some peace in your life, because I know what you’re going through isn’t easy. Just know you’re not alone.
By steph on 12/12/09 @ 9:12 PM | Permalink
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