Tonight I’m looking at fan photos on Duran Duran’s Facebook page. Only half way through, I’m feeling a plethora of old feelings… Duran Duran was mainstream, yet they SO weren’t! They were the in-between. Catchy dance beats with deep lyrics. So edgy. So new romantic. Loved it! It sang right to my heart. So many people loved them, but never truly “got” their depth. As lame and school girlish as this sounds, they were my favorite band of all time and probably still are! Duran comes before my love for Depeche Mode, and that’s saying a whole freakin’ hell of a lot!

Browsing through the fan photos brought up so many old emotions. I can’t really explain it, except to say that I’ve always felt “different” than most people. I’ve always disliked the mainstream ideal. I’ve always wanted something deeper of myself. Edgier. (Is that even a word?) I crave something deeper. For many years, finding something deeper was my only existence (hello goth wannabe). I was definitely “different” in my 20’s. But then real life happened… I got married, I had kids… I feel like that deeper meaning of who I am, how I want to feel, who I want to be – is completely gone now. I feel like it’s no longer attainable. I’m mainstream. I’m a mom with kids. I look it, I act it. I’m SO the personification of a stay-at-home-mom! Except I *try* to break it up with my own sense of uniqueness. I don’t think I prevail that much.

Feeling like I can be “different” is truly impossible now because my heart/soul is not only mine anymore. It belongs to my children. I love that I have kids, that I have a family. But it truly and permanently changes every essence of what you thought you once wanted to be. I feel such a loss of that part of me. I feel like I’m a shadow of who I was. I’m sure this is common with many parents. But how do you move past it? We all want to be great parents. We all want to make a lasting and positive impression on our offspring. But how do you maintain your sense of identity? How do you work that parental magic while still having your own life, still being that rebel that’s inside you? For me, it’s now an impossible dream. Husband works nights and weekends. I’m essentially a single mother most of the time. I have few friends in the area and my support system is far away. I have become what I feared the most. A shell of responsibility. I have a purpose. I fullfill my purpose. Everyday. I love my kids! I have fun with them everyday!. But outside of that. I’m just BLAH…

I’m caught in between happiness and despair. I feel sad, I feel happy. I feel relieved, I feel anxious. I feel burdened, I feel grateful. I feel worthless, I feel entitled. It’s all a contradiction. A sick contrast of reality and a canopy of wellbeing.

It has a lot to do with the happy pills. They work. But they don’t. It’s hard to explain. Am I more active? Yes. Am I less depressive? Yes. Do I argue less? Do I feel less angry? Absolutely! It definitely works in that regard. But maybe it’s a mask? A veneer of “okayness”. Because deep down, so far down. I believe it’s all still there. Yet on the outside, I’m a little bit numb. Just a “whatever” sort of feeling. A lot of indifference.

I’m going to change this domain someday. I need to. It’s not representative of who I am today. I’m better than I was before, but still falling short of who I should be. I need work, lots of work. I cannot share myself in this type of atmosphere until I feel whole. I’m not perfect. I probably never will be. I want to be! But have realized that I never will be. I realize that I like the imperfections too much. They’re comforting.

Imperfections are comforting. They make us feel ok. I’m ok.

I almost posted a load of emotional vomit. Almost. However, I had a moment of clarity. Just a teensy moment. I’m not ready and I have nothing to say of any true value. Just feelings and emotive nonsense. Also, no… I do not sell my Pinkalicious or Dr. Seuss invites. Oy vei! Damn Google for indexing me. Maybe someday I’ll set myself up to actually sell them. For now, no more freebies. Sorry, gotta draw the line! I love doing random acts of kindness, but I think I opened pandora’s box!

Also, I feel lonely. Just gotta say it. I’m old. I shouldn’t feel these narcissistic, romantic, depressive feelings anymore. Still looking for that “something” to fill the emptiness though. So far, nothing’s working.