Note to self: Must stop posting while intoxicated. A load of long-winded nonsensical bullshit is nearly always the end result. In fact, must stop these periodic late night drinking binges altogether! As you know, is totally counterproductive to not only your waistline, but also to your mental well-being. (Yeah, self, we totally remember that bag of Doritos you inhaled right before passing out). Also, hello idiot, you KNOW you’re not supposed to drink while on anti-depressants. It’s only a temporary escape and doesn’t solve a damn thing, except to make you hate yourself in the morning and wish you never learned to type so fast. Ok, self? Can you hear me? Stop being such a panty-waist and be your own best friend. No one is going to truly love you, despite all your faults, more than you can love yourself. Stop looking for something/one to magically fill your emptiness. Drinking is fun, but not the answer. Once in a while is cool, but hello? Woman, you got no self-restraint once you get started. Now put down that Hoegaarden and go hug your pillow. You have many happy things in your life that outshine the negatives. Appreciate them before they’re gone!

My domain expires on December 18th. I’ve been ignoring the expiration notices, pretending like I don’t have a decision to make. It’s a decision, albeit not a very important one (comparatively speaking), that is going to be hard to make.

But… I think I’m going to let this domain go and cancel my hosting.

First time in 10 years that I won’t own a domain. Even though I have a shoddy track record with posting and I’ve never exactly had a plethora of readers, it feels almost sad and empty to come to this. I’m letting a part of me go. The part that wants to write & share and needs to be validated by putting it on the internet. The part of me who enjoys torturing her perfectionist self with code and web design.

I finally realize the fundamental problem. I let too many real life people know about this place. Too many family and friends visit here, waiting to see what I’ll have to say next. Not only is it a lot of pressure, it’s really confining.!I cannot write about what I really want to write about. I can’t say the things I really want to say. I can’t let the real voice inside of me come out. It would disturb people too much to know how truly screwed up I am inside. No matter how cathartic it would be for me, my messed up jumble of thoughts would only serve to worry those who care about me and/or give ammunition to those who don’t.

Sure, I can post endearing stories about the crazy things my kids say or do. I can bitch about the painful inconveniences of life. And I can slice it all up with humor & sarcasm, to make it consumable for everyone. To make it cute. And light. And somewhat normal. But I’m not being true to myself.

This is not what I ever intended by having a “blog”.

The reason why I go for long periods without writing is because I cannot say what is REALLY going on in my head. And it takes so much time/effort to craft up something happy and cute (with pictures to boot!). Honestly, it’s too much work to share the side of me that I want you to see, pushing back the me who hides in the shadows.

When I started blogging 10 years ago, I never sought out to be popular or well read. My only desire was for the emotional release of putting my thoughts out into the universe and for the creative release of tinkering with webdesign. Cheap therapy if you will! I will admit that I also longed for empathy. For someone to read what I had to say and to understand. To relate even! However, feeling so stifled and self-censoring myself so as to not scare my loved ones…

where
is
the
therapy
in
that?

Maybe I will just start a blog on a free service like blogspot or wordpress. I can revel in the anonymity and purge myself of this growing snowball of silent thoughts.

We (the boys and I) have been in Tucson for the past 3 days. I’m currently speaking through the veil of several glasses of (much earned) Pinot Noir and I’m discovering the beauty of Pandora Radio via my Mom’s laptop. Enter in “Depeche Mode” and you’ll be in 80’s alternative heaven for life! We’re talking Joy Division kind of happy.

It has been an action filled week and I do believe my Mom may second guess herself the next time she says “you and the boys should come down and stay with us for a few days”. My kids have been monsters and that’s putting it nicely. Turns out they don’t do so well away from home. Oh well, practice makes perfect I say! They gotta get used to staying with Grandma/Grandpa so Daddy and I can have some much needed (but seldom received) adult time (/end day dream).

I was lucky enough to have my hair done today. Hello! I am now a hipster! Good-bye Mom hairdo! It’s short and dark! A few random blonde highlights in the very front. It will be a trip to wash in the shower tomorrow. Tonight was super cool. My aunt Elvia came over to watch “Confessions of a Shopaholic”. Boy do I relate to that movie! I think ANYONE with an addictive personality can relate to that movie. The kids both went down without much of a fight. Who could ask for more? (Me! More wine please!).

My Mom took Quentin to two quick stores today, she came back somewhat frazzled (and I quote one of her phrases, “He is SO not a joy to take shopping”). Then I went for my haircut and what did I encounter when I returned almost four hours later? A totally brain dead Grandma. Both Grandparents could hardlly wait for me to get back. They complained of temper tantrums, constantly cleaning up messes, blowout diapers, toddlers with feisty dispostions. Me? Yeah, welcome to my world bitches! (Ok, I totally would never say that. But I was thinkin’ it!). Share in the pain. Love it. Feel it. This is what what we all signed up for! You are grandparents. We are parents. Feel the burn.