Note to self: Must stop posting while intoxicated. A load of long-winded nonsensical bullshit is nearly always the end result. In fact, must stop these periodic late night drinking binges altogether! As you know, is totally counterproductive to not only your waistline, but also to your mental well-being. (Yeah, self, we totally remember that bag of Doritos you inhaled right before passing out). Also, hello idiot, you KNOW you’re not supposed to drink while on anti-depressants. It’s only a temporary escape and doesn’t solve a damn thing, except to make you hate yourself in the morning and wish you never learned to type so fast. Ok, self? Can you hear me? Stop being such a panty-waist and be your own best friend. No one is going to truly love you, despite all your faults, more than you can love yourself. Stop looking for something/one to magically fill your emptiness. Drinking is fun, but not the answer. Once in a while is cool, but hello? Woman, you got no self-restraint once you get started. Now put down that Hoegaarden and go hug your pillow. You have many happy things in your life that outshine the negatives. Appreciate them before they’re gone!

Tonight I’m looking at fan photos on Duran Duran’s Facebook page. Only half way through, I’m feeling a plethora of nostalgia coming back… Duran Duran was mainstream, yet they SO weren’t! They were the in-between. Catchy dance beats with deep lyrics. So edgy. So new romantic. Loved it! It sang right to my heart. So many people loved them, but never truly “got” their depth. As lame and school girlish as this sounds, they were my favorite band of all time and probably still are! Duran comes before my love for Depeche Mode, and that’s saying a lot!

Browsing through the fan photos brought up so many old emotions. I can’t really explain it, except to say that I’ve always felt different. I’ve always disliked the mainstream ideal. I’ve always wanted something deeper of myself. Edgier. (Is that even a word?) For many years, finding something deeper was my only existence (hello goth wannabe). I was definitely “different” in my 20’s. But then real life happened… I got married, I had kids… I feel like that deeper meaning of who I am, how I want to feel, who I want to be – is completely gone now. I feel like it’s no longer realistic. I’m mainstream. I’m a mom with kids. I look it, I act it. I’m SO the personification of a stay-at-home-mom! Except I *try* to break it up with my own sense of uniqueness. Do I prevail? Probably not so much. It’s hard to be an overweight SAHM and feel “cool”!

Feeling like I can be different is not so much a reality now because my heart/soul is not only mine anymore. It belongs to my children! I love that I have kids, that I have a family! But it truly and permanently changes every essence of what you thought you once wanted to be. I feel such a loss of that part of me. I feel like I’m a shadow. I’m sure this is common with many parents. But how do you move past it? We all want to be great parents. We all want to make a lasting and positive impression on our offspring. But how do you maintain your sense of identity? How do you work that parental magic while still having your own life, still being that rebel that’s inside you? For me, it’s not so much attainable. Husband works nights and weekends. I’m essentially a single mother most of the time. I have few friends in the area and my support system is far away. I have become what I never envisioned. A shell of responsibility. I have a purpose. I fullfill my purpose. Everyday! I love my kids! I have fun with them everyday!. But outside of that. I’m just a little lost for who I AM… Who am I?

I’m caught in between happiness and despair. I feel sad, I feel happy. I feel relieved, I feel anxious. I feel burdened, I feel grateful. I feel worthless, I feel entitled. It’s all a contradiction. A sick contrast of reality and a canopy of wellbeing.

It has a lot to do with the happy pills. They work. But they don’t. It’s hard to explain. Am I more active? Yes. Am I less depressive? Yes. Do I argue less? Do I feel less angry? Absolutely! It definitely works in that regard. But maybe it’s a mask? A veneer of “okayness”. Because deep down, so far down. I believe it’s all still there. Yet on the outside, I’m a little bit numb. Just a “whatever” sort of feeling. A lot of indifference.

I’m going to change this domain someday. I need to. It’s not representative of who I am today. I’m better than I was before, but still short of who I could be. I need work, lots of work! I cannot share myself in this type of atmosphere until I feel whole. I’m not perfect. I probably never will be. I want to be! But I realize that I like the imperfections too much. They’re comforting.

Imperfections are comforting. They make us feel ok. I’m ok.