I’m in a serious funk! My energy & mood levels are down, my impatience & irritation is up. Oh no! I’m failing the SAHM test! Already?! I called my girlfriend Mary and kinda unloaded via voicemail (sorry girl, love ya!). By the time she called me back, I was totally over it. How did I get over it so quickly? I took the kids to Target and I spent money. BEST DANG THERAPY IN THE WORLD!

But seriously, let’s just say that today was “one of them days!”. I’m learning (the hard way) that toddlers cannot be entertained with a DVD for a “few moments”, while Mom squirrels away to do some graphic work on the computer. Because even though it’s relatively quiet on the other side of that office door, total secret mayhem is actually taking place in your living room. This time the havoc came via an entire bag of potato chips turned upside down and spread throughout the living room (I still curse the day that Quentin learned how to open the pantry door). Also, a torn off diaper and lovely poop trails scattered down the hall. I really should have taken a picture, you’d have been much entertained! In their defense, what was supposed to take a few minutes ended up taking MUCH longer (not even sure how long, I lost track of time) because I was having serious technical difficulties. But, we live and learn, right? Next time, I’ll just have to wait until after their bed time before I decide to go all “Office Space” with that piece of sh*t printer that keeps eating my freakin’ labels. So much for doing productive personal stuff during the day. I guess I must resign myself to the fact that my kids 0wn m3. If I could just come to terms with the fact that this life is truly now “my job” and that I’m not just on vacation! And God, if you could just send me a tiny bit more of that magical stuff called “patience” (or a valium). KTHXBYE.

• I’m that Mom… Who has to bribe her kids with candy to get them to behave in IKEA, or in any store for that matter. (All her sanity is owed to DUM-DUM’s.)
• I’m that Mom… Who’s lame enough to think she can take her toddlers to a pool party without actually getting in the water herself since she doesn’t even own a swimsuit because OH NO! THIGHS BE JIGGLIN’! (But hello, 117° degree weather, not so smart is she?)
• I’m that Mom… Who is seriously melting like the Wicked Witch of the West at your pool party, while her super-attached kids cling to her like saran wrap, until you offer her to borrow a swimsuit and she dejectedly accepts, so she can stop the insanity and just get in the damn pool already! (Thanks Adriana!)
• I’m that Mom… Who’s kid spills a sippy cup of milk ALL over your beautiful kitchen tile, forcing you to get out the mop. (Sorry, she was busy wrangling the other kid off that elephant statue in your front living room.)
• I’m that Mom… Who is stupid enough to think, “Sure let’s take a 2-year-old and 1-year-old to watch a SHARK adventure 3D movie!”. (Was operating on limited sleep and serious lack of judgement.)
• I’m that Mom… Who is naive enough to think that popcorn and lemonade will keep toddlers happy/occupied for more than 10 minutes. (Seriously wishful thinking!)
• I’m that Mom… Who’s kid launches himself into panic mode during the first 20 minutes of the movie, screaming “No more watch it!” and “Done! Done!”. (Who knew a manta ray could freak a kid out so much?)
• I’m that Mom… Who’s tantruming kid is finally carried out of the theater, kicking & screaming. (As you exclaim “hallelujah!” under your breath.)
• I’m that Mom… Who allows her other kid to play with her cell phone during the movie, just so he’ll stay still/quiet. And who, 20 seconds later, apologizes profusely when said 1-year-old hurls said cell phone forward. (Narrowly missing your head!)
• I’m that Mom… Who should probably announce that “THE SAVAGES HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING!” as her brood leaves Cooperstown because the waitress is SO gonna earn that 20% tip when she has to clean up all the crap her kids left on the floor. (Pretty sure more food went on the floor than in their mouths.)

As you can see, it seems that going out with the kids is still quite challenging. We’ve been pretty busy lately too, partaking in several social activities over the weekend. It’s a catch 22 though! We love getting the kids out to interact with other children and seizing the opportunity to socialize with other parents ourselves. But oy vei! We’re usually EXHAUSTED at the end of it all! It’s tough work chasing them around and trying to keep them in check. I’m hoping that it’s just an age thing and not that my kids are pure unadulterated beasts from the land of Let’s-Act-As-Bad-As-We-Possibly-Can-and-Totally-Embarrass-Our-Parents.

In our defense, the decision to see that 3D Shark movie at the Arizona Science Museum was sort of pushed on us by hubby’s friend. Fortunately for him, his kids are older and behaved really well. Oh well, at least we know that Quentin is totally not ready to see a movie in a theatre yet. However, it could’ve just been the subject material. Sharks? Two-year-olds? Yeah, like I said, wasn’t thinking too clearly. Also, I totally got over myself and finally bought a swimsuit. After seeing how much fun the boys had in the pool at Adriana’s house, I can no longer deny them the joy of splashing in our (very public) community pool. *Sigh*, flubber or not, Momma’s gotta step up!

This week is going to be relatively low-key as far as outings. However, we have a huge to-do/chores list on the forefront as we gear up for the Mother-in-law to visit in August. When it comes to the MIL, I’m choosing to keep my commentary to a minimum to align with that old adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Again, patience and sanity will be tested like no other. Alcohol will definitely be required.

My my, times they have changed… so maybe 7 years ago a night like this would find me currently at a bar, partying/drinking myself into oblivion. Then (sometime after bar closing) chatting online until god-knows-when-in-the-morning… three or four chat windows open, in a couple chatrooms, sending reply emails left & right… Tonight? Circa 2009? 9:00PM. Husband asleep, kiddos asleep, looking up recipes for “Banana Nut Bread” in order to frugally utilize the overripe bananas in the fruit basket and composing a meal planner for the next week. GOOD LORD I AM SO EXCITING. Nevermind, that I’ve had (I don’t know how many) vodka & lo-carb monsters (thank you Mary!), Michelob Ultra Lights, and now a glass of Shiraz… tomorrow at 6:30am I will be HATING MY LIFE as a 2-year old barges into my room exclaiming“MomMom, guy in my room!” and I dig myself deeper into the covers, pretending like I’m not alive.

And also… If I have to watch “The Cars Moonie” or “The Doggie Moonie” (translation: Disney’s Cars Movie or Bolt) ONE MORE FREAKIN’ TIME… I just might have to bang my head on a hard surface for several moments. Note to self: get more kid’s DVDs ASAP.

And lastly, I just looked at my referrers and someone found this site by searching for “sahm bitching during toddler years”. LOL! ! I think I have a new tagline!