• I’m that Mom… Who has to bribe her kids with candy to get them to behave in IKEA, or in any store for that matter. (All her sanity is owed to DUM-DUM’s.)
• I’m that Mom… Who’s lame enough to think she can take her toddlers to a pool party without actually getting in the water herself since she doesn’t even own a swimsuit because OH NO! THIGHS BE JIGGLIN’! (But hello, 117° degree weather, not so smart is she?)
• I’m that Mom… Who is seriously melting like the Wicked Witch of the West at your pool party, while her super-attached kids cling to her like saran wrap, until you offer her to borrow a swimsuit and she dejectedly accepts, so she can stop the insanity and just get in the damn pool already! (Thanks Adriana!)
• I’m that Mom… Who’s kid spills a sippy cup of milk ALL over your beautiful kitchen tile, forcing you to get out the mop. (Sorry, she was busy wrangling the other kid off that elephant statue in your front living room.)
• I’m that Mom… Who is stupid enough to think, “Sure let’s take a 2-year-old and 1-year-old to watch a SHARK adventure 3D movie!”. (Was operating on limited sleep and serious lack of judgement.)
• I’m that Mom… Who is naive enough to think that popcorn and lemonade will keep toddlers happy/occupied for more than 10 minutes. (Seriously wishful thinking!)
• I’m that Mom… Who’s kid launches himself into panic mode during the first 20 minutes of the movie, screaming “No more watch it!” and “Done! Done!”. (Who knew a manta ray could freak a kid out so much?)
• I’m that Mom… Who’s tantruming kid is finally carried out of the theater, kicking & screaming. (As you exclaim “hallelujah!” under your breath.)
• I’m that Mom… Who allows her other kid to play with her cell phone during the movie, just so he’ll stay still/quiet. And who, 20 seconds later, apologizes profusely when said 1-year-old hurls said cell phone forward. (Narrowly missing your head!)
• I’m that Mom… Who should probably announce that “THE SAVAGES HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING!” as her brood leaves Cooperstown because the waitress is SO gonna earn that 20% tip when she has to clean up all the crap her kids left on the floor. (Pretty sure more food went on the floor than in their mouths.)

As you can see, it seems that going out with the kids is still quite challenging. We’ve been pretty busy lately too, partaking in several social activities over the weekend. It’s a catch 22 though! We love getting the kids out to interact with other children and seizing the opportunity to socialize with other parents ourselves. But oy vei! We’re usually EXHAUSTED at the end of it all! It’s tough work chasing them around and trying to keep them in check. I’m hoping that it’s just an age thing and not that my kids are pure unadulterated beasts from the land of Let’s-Act-As-Bad-As-We-Possibly-Can-and-Totally-Embarrass-Our-Parents.

In our defense, the decision to see that 3D Shark movie at the Arizona Science Museum was sort of pushed on us by hubby’s friend. Fortunately for him, his kids are older and behaved really well. Oh well, at least we know that Quentin is totally not ready to see a movie in a theatre yet. However, it could’ve just been the subject material. Sharks? Two-year-olds? Yeah, like I said, wasn’t thinking too clearly. Also, I totally got over myself and finally bought a swimsuit. After seeing how much fun the boys had in the pool at Adriana’s house, I can no longer deny them the joy of splashing in our (very public) community pool. *Sigh*, flubber or not, Momma’s gotta step up!

This week is going to be relatively low-key as far as outings. However, we have a huge to-do/chores list on the forefront as we gear up for the Mother-in-law to visit in August. When it comes to the MIL, I’m choosing to keep my commentary to a minimum to align with that old adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Again, patience and sanity will be tested like no other. Alcohol will definitely be required.

My my, times they have changed… so maybe 7 years ago a night like this would find me currently at a bar, partying/drinking myself into oblivion. Then (sometime after bar closing) chatting online until god-knows-when-in-the-morning… three or four chat windows open, in a couple chatrooms, sending reply emails left & right… Tonight? Circa 2009? 9:00PM. Husband asleep, kiddos asleep, looking up recipes for “Banana Nut Bread” in order to frugally utilize the overripe bananas in the fruit basket and composing a meal planner for the next week. GOOD LORD I AM SO EXCITING. Nevermind, that I’ve had (I don’t know how many) vodka & lo-carb monsters (thank you Mary!), Michelob Ultra Lights, and now a glass of Shiraz… tomorrow at 6:30am I will be HATING MY LIFE as a 2-year old barges into my room exclaiming“MomMom, guy in my room!” and I dig myself deeper into the covers, pretending like I’m not alive.

And also… If I have to watch “The Cars Moonie” or “The Doggie Moonie” (translation: Disney’s Cars Movie or Bolt) ONE MORE FREAKIN’ TIME… I just might have to bang my head on a hard surface for several moments. Note to self: get more kid’s DVDs ASAP.

And lastly, I just looked at my referrers and someone found this site by searching for “sahm bitching during toddler years”. LOL! ! I think I have a new tagline!

“We just figured out Blues Clues, we just figured out Blues Clues… because WE ARE REALLY SMART!”

The above outburst is testament that I’ve been watching WAY too much children’s programming AND that I’m seriously over the moon about the fact that I’ve finally tweaked all the code on this site to render correctly in IE (5.5 thru 8) and newer versions of Chrome, Safari, Navigator, and also Firefox! (Thank you IE Tester and BrowserShots!) Not only that, this biotch validates correctly too! Anyone who’s logged as many man hours as I have, wrestling the beast that is cross-browser functionality/valid html, can totally appreciate the blood, sweat, and (mostly) tears that I’ve just been through. Am I crazy? Hell yes. Am I happy? More like relieved! I can finally go to sleep for the first time in 3 days. (You think I’m kidding).

Also, today – I got to be a human. As in take a shower, put on something not resembling sleepwear, slap some makeup on my weary face, step foot outside of the house and have some adult contact. The boys and I went over to Mary’s to play with Rocco and the other kids she takes care of. We all REALLY needed to get out of the house. Talk about CABIN FEVER. I gots it! Mary and I got caught up over yummy homemade iced coffees, while the kids expended some energy.

It’s not like I never get out. In fact, this week I was lucky enough to have lunch with one of my girls (Hi Jan!) and also go to the eye doctor. So even though those two events equaled maybe 4 hours total (including drive time), it was nice just to be able to drive in silence with only MY OWN thoughts. Because oh my god, the noise in this house! Sometimes I want to stuff a pillow over my head and suffocate myself. I’m seriously amazed that Philip can sleep through it all. What noise you ask? Let’s see…

• The banging of wooden blocks on the coffee table.
• The banging of diecast cars/trains on the coffee table.
• The banging of pretty much anything on the coffee table.
• Toddlers shouting at the top of their lungs just because.
• Toddlers having nuclear meltdowns because of [insert reason here], to include: kicking, crying, and throwing themselves on the floor.
• Some freakin’ electronic toy that Quentin keeps pressing the same button on over and over and over and over.
• Myself yelling at Gavin to STOP PUSHING THE BUTTONS ON DADDY’S XBOX! for the 10,000th time.
• The TV turned up really loud because the dishwasher or washing machine is on for the 2nd or 3rd time that day.
• Elmo, Dora, Blue, the Yo Gabba Gabba gang, or the Backyardigans singing some totally annoying song that will inevitably get stuck in my head all day long.

If you’re thinking, “why doesn’t she just get out of the house more often?”, you obviously have no kids, or rather no kids under 3-years-old. I gave up on taking them both into public on my own. My kids are a handful (i.e., high maintenance). I’m not even sure Gandhi has that much patience. Thankfully, we have a few things planned this weekend that should get us all out together: birthday party for 5-year-old tomorrow, dinner at Mary’s on Sunday (to include some alcohol of some sort because dammit we deserve it), and possibly an outing with the kids on Monday. Did I mention the birthday party tomorrow will be the first time EVER that Quentin & Gavin have been to a children’s birthday party (other than their own)? A temperamental 2-year-old, a busybody 1-year-old, a water slide, strangers, and 110° weather? Yeah. We’re totally gluttons for punishment!