Actual email I sent to my friend this afternoon…

Mary,
Thank you so much for watching the boys today! I was able to get a lot of shopping done. I would NEVER have been able to do that WITH them. A prime example… right after we left your house this afternoon, we went to Fry’s to get some butter and my vitamins. I stopped at that Tully’s coffee stand to get us some drinks because we were all parched and slightly irritable. For some unknown reason, Gavin COMPLETELY LOST HIS SHIT. He started crying, no SCREAMING, non-stop and people were staring at us and giving us dirty looks! I tried everything to calm him down. He was absolutely hysterical! He was sweating, bright red, bucking, kicking, thrashing! I still have NO IDEA what triggered it. He would not stop. I thought maybe he was hungry, so I saw some Goldfish on sale for $1 a bag (awesome price BTW) and I opened it right there in the store to give him some. Quentin was beside himself too, because he didn’t want to hold the smoothie I had gotten him because it was “too cold”, but he still wanted to drink it. He wanted me to stand there and hold it for him, all the while Gavin was screaming his head off. The whole experience was a nightmare! Gavin would not stop screaming. Even with a mouth full of slobber and goldfish, he kept screaming. It was all falling out of his mouth. I tried to hold him, rock him, give him a drink. Nothing calmed him down. Eventually the store manager came over to see what was going on. He pretty much asked us to leave, but not in so many words. It was beyond humiliating! I had already opened the Goldfish, so I had to go through the self-checkout lane with Gavin screaming the entire time. People were stopping to stare and see what was going on. He was screaming like someone was stabbing him! I got them to the car and he screamed/sobbed the entire way home. I changed him (he wasn’t even wet) and put him right to bed. He got a bottle too. I still don’t know what was wrong with him. I also put Quentin down. Philip and I had a blow up fight in the 10 minutes we actually saw each other before he left because I thought Gavin had lost a shoe in the parking lot during that whole fiasco and I had asked Philip to drive by Fry’s to see if it was still in the parking lot on his way to work. He refused. He was like “cut your losses and get over it”. That’s super easy for him to say because he NEVER EVER tries to take the boys anywhere by himself. He has NO CLUE how miserable of an experience it can be! I was so angry and just steaming about what had happened, I told him that if he didn’t get that shoe, I would divorce him!!! LOL! I seriously said that! He said “Oh well! Divorce me then!”.

I was having a good day until all that bullshit at the grocery store!!! :/

But guess what? I FOUND THE F*CKING SHOE!!!!

The writing is a bit rough, but I’m way too exhausted to rewrite all that crap to make it pretty for blogland. So yeah- that was my day, in a large, wordy, sweaty & stressed out nutshell. FYI, I don’t plan to divorce my husband because of a shoe. It was the hormones/frustration speaking. It makes me say crazy stuff that I often later regret. The kids are completely asleep for the night and I still have no idea why Gav nanomorphed into Kidzilla like that. Also, I think I need a beer.

So today is my first official day of being unemployed. Technically it was yesterday, but since I used to have Mondays off – I’m calling it today. So how did it go you ask? [deep breath] …

It’s fine now. Kids are napping. We took them for haircuts and to IKEA for lunch (and to buy a super cheap coffee table I saw when I was there last week with my friend Jan). Gavin did REALLY well with his haircut this time. It turns out the trick is to give him a lollipop. Doy! He’s never had one before, so he was so involved with mackin’ on it, he didn’t mind the scissors or clippers this time. Didn’t even notice! Quentin on the other hand… OhMyFREAKINGod. He was TERRIBLE! He was screaming bloody murder!!!! Not even Philip could hold him down. At one point we thought we were going to have to take him home with literally half his hair cut! He was bawling, bright red, and all booger-y. He was a HOT MESS! It was very traumatic for EVERYONE in that store – especially Philip. I also feel sorry for the one customer trying to get her haircut in peace. I’m sorry lady! I’ve had my tubes tied, I promise you!

Then I was suddenly hit by an awful bout of diarrhea (definitely the stress) and had to make a beeline for Fry’s with Gavin, who also smelled like he needed a serious diaper change. Turns out he was just seriously FARTING. When we got back to Cost Cutters, Quentin was finally done and it was Philip’s turn. Quentin’s hair turned out okay. Still a little long on top, but considering the screaming demon child she had to work with, the hairdresser did pretty well. One girl completely gave up on him and another girl had to step in. Philip was pretty stressed at that point, sweating buckets! Both boys were overheated too. I was also all sweaty and my stomach was still pretty jacked up. I walked them over to Jack in the Box in 110 degree heat and got them a Strawberry/Banana smoothie to share. THANK GOD I stood my ground and demanded we take the stroller, when Philip and I were standing in the driveway arguing about it. I have no idea how we would have managed without it! I would have crapped my pants trying to CARRY Gavin over to Fry’s in time! NO JOKE!!!

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