In the past, similar rebirths usually entailed the deletion of absolutely everything and starting from scratch. However, I’ve only recently grown a few newish qualities called “realism” & “simplifying”, because honestly – I just don’t have the time or energy to code everything all over again. Too much work! So I’m just revamping, deleting a few unbecoming posts, and starting again from where I left off…

My Dad recently said to me…

… “I know its been tough on you but life is not necessarily fair. I don’t know of anyone who has had the perfect childhood or life. My childhood was far from perfect. But you make the best of it. I know I have. If I’ve learned one thing in life is that you have choices.

You can choose to be happy or unhappy. It really is up to you.”

I agree Dad.
I choose to be happy.

With that being said, the day-to-day hasn’t changed too much. It’s summer, so I have two crazy, attention-starved toddlers testing my patience every day! I’ve also been working a lot on craft projects and home decorating. I’m proud to say I’ve been following a bunch of fabulous blogs that have given me some awesome inspiration on how to make our house super cute and do it all frugally. We recently bought some new furniture and I’ve only hit the tip of the iceberg with accessorizing like the perfectionist that I am. I have so many idea and projects in queue, it’s not even funny!

If only there was as much time and money as there are ideas! Oh well, it’s baby steps. I’m trying to remind myself that everyday is a gift! A new day to create/do something great! Let’s see how long this optimism lasts. Sickening huh? ;)

An average day for me consists of…
… Meals
… Poop
… Disobedience
… Discipline
… More poop
… Cleaning
… Lather, rinse, repeat

It’s a good day when I actually take a shower and brush my teeth. It’s a damn good day if I put on makeup and actually leave the house. It’s the best day EVER when my 2.5-year-old is not having meltdowns and slamming doors every five minutes.

In case you aren’t privy to this fact, I’m a new(ish) stay-at-home Mom, going on 3 months now. I’ve tried to avoid writing this post, for fear of judgement, but to continue to hide away the sadness, isolation and anger I’ve been feeling this past month is not only unfair to myself, but also to my children. However, because this is deeply personal I’m going to require that you are registered and logged in to read the rest of it…

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Every organzing junkie needs a meal planner with good bones. I used this one for a long time because it’s just so dang CUTE! After I became a SAHM, I needed something with sections for breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus a shopping list. Oh, and did I mention that I write BIG? So I created my own and I’d like to share it with you, in case you’re just as persnickety with your weekly meal planning…

My Weekly Meal Planner

This baby gets posted on the fridge after all the planning and shopping gets done. That way Daddy knows what to make the kids in the event that I’m not around (hey, no excuses for feeding them junk dude!) and I know what to pull out to defrost in advance.

I’ve been on organization OVERLOAD lately. I have a variety of “projects” to share and many more either in the works or existing as a thought in my head. I think of 2 new items I want to work on before I can even finish one, so “The List” is getting long. You should see the HUGE coupon binder I’m currently putting together. I’ve gone completely nutballs about couponing. I KNOW I sound like a complete geek in this post and that last sentence just seals the deal! ;) Me couponing? What the? :)

As for the updates, can this be any less painful?:

• The Depeche Mode concert last Sunday was AH-MAZING!!! I’m going to reign in the girlish enthusiasm, but I have to say that Dave Gahan still brings the sexy! DM will ALWAYS be in my Top 5 bands of all time. It was somewhat comforting to see that it was an older crowd too. All of us DM’ers have grown up! I overheard many conversations during the preshow about getting home “to the babysitter” on time (e.g. Grandma). We TOTALLY got our drink on that night and paid for it (as in the next day was a little rough). We danced & sang our hearts out during the concert (much to the chagrin of the bump-on-a-log chick sitting next to me) and then partied more afterwards at a downtown bar. That girl next to me was BORRRING, it was unfathomable to me why everyone wasn’t acting as funlovin’ as we were! *snort*. I’m sure if she has a blog she’ll be writing about that obnoxious chick next to her that made her move 30 times for bathroom runs and who was seriously encroaching on her personal space. But oh well, I was FEELIN’ THE LOVE man! ;) The hotel was right near the venue, so we were able to walk. It was swanky and brand new! We splurged on some ridiculously overpriced room service at 2AM when both of us were WAY past the safe zone of operating a vehicle and a run to Jack-in-the-Box was completely out of the question. I managed to pass out cold before getting to watch the TWENTY dollar in-room movie we ordered. Dangit! I wanted me some Zac Efron too! LOL :P Good times!
• Quentin is making excellent progress with his therapies and will be transitioning to preschool very soon. (OMG! I’m going to have a preschooler who’s totally NOT potty trained yet. That’s a whole other story!). I’m SO looking forward to him starting school, both for the fact that he definitely needs the social interaction and also that it will be helpful to have one less kid for a few hours a day. He’s talking so much now and while some of what he says is still indistinguishable, he is at least trying and not clamming up. He says the cutest things too, often as clear as a bell. We try not to laugh but sometimes it’s just hilarious. Remind me to tell you about the “Chocy Daddy” story one day. Unfortunately, he has also picked up on a few choice expressions *cough* and once in a while when he’s frustrated or confused he’ll loudly say “WHAT THE F?!”. Uh oh. Yeah, that’s my kid!
• Gavin is as sweet and rambunctious as ever. He is such a BUSYBODY and into every-freakin’-thing all day long. I just need to tape record myself saying “Gavin, NO! Get out of there!” and keep it on repeat. Gav is definitely a Momma’s Boy. He would be happiest if I could pay attention to him (and only him) all day. I’m eatin’ up all the hugs & drooly kisses. Did I mention he’s teething like crazy? He’s also starting to talk and mimic words too. He’s doing great!

Me? I’m just trying not to lose my freakin’ mind on a day-to-day basis. The whole SAHM gig isn’t as easy as some of ya’ll may think! There are so many social, emotional, and physical aspects of it that make it even harder than working a “real” job. I’m finding myself fighting off a bit of a depression, so I’ve taken to poppin’ vitamins again. Every morning when the boys get their gummi vites and I take my B12 and Biotin, Quentin will ask me “What’s dat Momma?”. I tell him it’s “Momma’s Medicine”. Which is so true because I already think it’s helping, with the energy levels at least. Staying busy helps a lot too. I just have to find a happy-medium with not getting so obsessive with the cleaning and organizing. But I’m definitely still lovin’ not having to get up early and commute! Heck yeah, like nobody’s business!

Dr. Seuss Baby Shower Invitation

I think it came out super cute and I’m so excited for the shower!

Other than that, just super busy cooking and hosting the MIL. Surprisingly, we’ve all had a really great time! Both of my boys are super attached to “Gamma” right now and I think there’s going to be a little meltdown when she leaves tomorrow. I’ve had fun playing hostess and partaking in a little Mommy Elixir :) It’s pretty awesome to have a third person around to help with the kids, enabling Mommy to get a lot done. We’ve been pretty active, braving Chuck E. Cheese, the community pool, jaunts to the playground, and Daddy’s birthday dinner. The kids are eatin’ it up!

One weird moment last week: ran into the bosslady the other day while coming back from lunch with my ex-co-worker buddy Jan. I had just dropped her off in front of her building when I rounded the corner and saw bosslady driving in. I said “what the heck!” and drove over to where she was parked to say “Hello!”. She seemed pretty shocked to see me, but was super friendly. I felt a little twang of nostalgia, a sense of loss for the past. But I got over it pretty quickly after driving off ;) Let’s just say I’m totally grateful for this opportunity that I have to stay at home and not be someone’s office monkey anymore :) Every single day with my kids is a GIFT!

Mary has a certain patience, caring, and passion for her job that enables the kids in her care to really flourish. She was Gavin’s sole childcare provider, but Quentin had 3 before her (that’s a whole other story). Quentin has definitely learned more under her care than with anyone else. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to match her enthusiasm, nor provide the same level of stimulus (I still worry about this!). I also loved how organized & super creative she is (she doesn’t think so, but dagnabbit she totally is!). Plus she’s cute and fun to be around (how can a person be so chipper sans alcohol!?). Often she’ll call me so unbelievably excited/happy about something that I’m secretly thinking to myself, “dang, this chick either just slammed down some serious vodka or like FIVE Red Bulls!”. But anyway, I digress…

We were both a little heartbroken when I told her that I’d be quitting my job to stay at home. However, we recently agreed (and I swear no alcohol was involved) that we may have lost the childcare relationship, but we’ve “gained a friendship”! Awww, how sweet is that? (Ok, no gagging). It’s true though, our kids still love playing together and we’ve become friends not just acquaintances. To show you how truly awesome she is, I want to share with you this UNIQUE gift she put together for me when she knew I was having a rough week with the SAHM thing (which is like every week of my life right?)…

Stay at Home Mom's Survival Kit

Not only is everything in this bucket USEFUL (and much of it is already gone), it totally lifted my spirits because each item had a label or cute tag on it with a witty description!

Here’s what was included in the bucket:

• Mr. Clean Magic Erasers – “This gets crayon off almost anything”
• DUM-DUMS (lollipops) – “A Mom’s secret weapon”
• Pink polka-dot magnetic list pad – “Lists, lists everywhere”
• Travel-sized Advil – “For all that banging, clanking, loud noise…”
• Travel-sized Tylenol PM – “For the nights you can’t sleep…”
• Pink polka-dot Pocket tissues – “Sometimes you need a good cry”
• 8-pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – (I forgot what this one said and we already snarfed them up, so package is gone.)
• Snacks! (Microwave popcorn, crackers, fruit bar, crystal light mix-ins) – “For when you need a snack…”
• Top Ramen – “For the days you just don’t want to cook…” (That would be EVERYDAY!)
• Pomegranate scented tea lights – “This is so you can have some Mommy time…”
• Black cherry vanilla bath crystals – (also for Mommy time)
• Two Michelob Ultras – “When all else fails… DRINK!”
• Carton of Merlot – “Sometimes you don’t have time to find a cork screw” (Amen to that sista!)
• Drink coasters (to go with the wine) – that say, “You had me at Merlot”
• Matching wine stopper
• Matching wine journal

It was all so brilliant! But I think the item I got the biggest kick out of was the wee carton of Merlot. I had no idea they made wine like that. I recall the wine in a box of the 1980′s, but a little “juice box” of wine?!? FABULOUS!!

The best part, You had me at Merlot

Thanks again Mary! LOVE IT! And tell them all to “bite it” because having a big heart is a wonderful virtue :)

Juice box for adults

But seriously, let’s just say that today was “one of them days!”. I’m learning (the hard way) that toddlers cannot be entertained with a DVD for a “few moments”, while Mom squirrels away to do some graphic work on the computer. Because even though it’s relatively quiet on the other side of that office door, total secret mayhem is actually taking place in your living room. This time the havoc came via an entire bag of potato chips turned upside down and spread throughout the living room (I still curse the day that Quentin learned how to open the pantry door). Also, a torn off diaper and lovely poop trails scattered down the hall. I really should have taken a picture, you’d have been much entertained! In their defense, what was supposed to take a few minutes ended up taking MUCH longer (not even sure how long, I lost track of time) because I was having serious technical difficulties. But, we live and learn, right? Next time, I’ll just have to wait until after their bed time before I decide to go all “Office Space” with that piece of you-know-what printer that keeps eating my freakin’ labels. So much for doing productive personal stuff during the day. I guess I must resign myself to the fact that my kids 0wn m3. If I could just come to terms with the fact that this life is truly now “my job” and that I’m not just on vacation! And God, if you could just send me a tiny bit more of that magical stuff called “patience” (or a valium). KTHXBYE.

And also… If I have to watch “The Cars Moonie” or “The Doggie Moonie” (translation: Disney’s Cars Movie or Bolt) ONE MORE FREAKIN’ TIME… I just might have to bang my head on a hard surface for several moments. Note to self: get more kid’s DVDs ASAP.

And lastly, I just looked at my referrers and someone found this site by searching for “sahm bitching during toddler years”. LOL! ! I think I have a new tagline!

The above outburst is testament that I’ve been watching WAY too much children’s programming AND that I’m seriously over the moon about the fact that I’ve finally tweaked all the code on this site to render correctly in IE (5.5 thru 8) and newer versions of Chrome, Safari, Navigator, and also Firefox! (Thank you IE Tester and BrowserShots!) Not only that, this biotch validates correctly too! Anyone who’s logged as many man hours as I have, wrestling the beast that is cross-browser functionality/valid html, can totally appreciate the blood, sweat, and (mostly) tears that I’ve just been through. Am I crazy? Hell yes. Am I happy? More like relieved! I can finally go to sleep for the first time in 3 days. (You think I’m kidding).

Also, today – I got to be a human. As in take a shower, put on something not resembling sleepwear, slap some makeup on my weary face, step foot outside of the house and have some adult contact. The boys and I went over to Mary’s to play with Rocco and the other kids she takes care of. We all REALLY needed to get out of the house. Talk about CABIN FEVER. I gots it! Mary and I got caught up over yummy homemade iced coffees, while the kids expended some energy.

It’s not like I never get out. In fact, this week I was lucky enough to have lunch with one of my girls (Hi Jan!) and also go to the eye doctor. So even though those two events equaled maybe 4 hours total (including drive time), it was nice just to be able to drive in silence with only MY OWN thoughts. Because oh my god, the noise in this house! Sometimes I want to stuff a pillow over my head and suffocate myself. I’m seriously amazed that Philip can sleep through it all. What noise you ask? Let’s see…

• The banging of wooden blocks on the coffee table.
• The banging of diecast cars/trains on the coffee table.
• The banging of pretty much anything on the coffee table.
• Toddlers shouting at the top of their lungs just because.
• Toddlers having nuclear meltdowns because of [insert reason here], to include: kicking, crying, and throwing themselves on the floor.
• Some freakin’ electronic toy that Quentin keeps pressing the same button on over and over and over and over.
• Myself yelling at Gavin to STOP PUSHING THE BUTTONS ON DADDY’S XBOX! for the 10,000th time.
• The TV turned up really loud because the dishwasher or washing machine is on for the 2nd or 3rd time that day.
• Elmo, Dora, Blue, the Yo Gabba Gabba gang, or the Backyardigans singing some totally annoying song that will inevitably get stuck in my head all day long.

If you’re thinking, “why doesn’t she just get out of the house more often?”, you obviously have no kids, or rather no kids under 3-years-old. I gave up on taking them both into public on my own. My kids are a handful (i.e., high maintenance). I’m not even sure Gandhi has that much patience. Thankfully, we have a few things planned this weekend that should get us all out together: birthday party for 5-year-old tomorrow, dinner at Mary’s on Sunday (to include some alcohol of some sort because dammit we deserve it), and possibly an outing with the kids on Monday. Did I mention the birthday party tomorrow will be the first time EVER that Quentin & Gavin have been to a children’s birthday party (other than their own)? A temperamental 2-year-old, a busybody 1-year-old, a water slide, strangers, and 110° weather? Yeah. We’re totally gluttons for punishment!

While I’ve been spendings my days doing all sort of things ranging from cleaning, cooking, and picking up toys, it seems the majority of my energy is spent on two MAIN tasks. That would be changing dirty diapers (like ten bizillion times a day) and cleaning up food/crumbs from the floors. Oh, and also rushing to wipe up juice spills. Because explaining to a toddler that you “gotta keep your sippy cup UPRIGHT”, for the 8th time in one day, is like banging your head against a wall for the fun of it. My kids seem to be especially ornery these days too. I think they’re more effected by the change than expected. They probably miss going to daycare and playing with the other kids. I’m sure they’re sick of seeing Mom in her pajamas and no make-up, just as much as I’m sick of them slamming doors and pushing every-ever-lovin’ button on the entertainment system all day long.

Alas, this week is almost over and Dad will soon be off his work schedule to join in on the parental fun. It’s always so much harder when it’s 2 against 1, versus each of us working with one kid at a time. However, judging from some of the situations hubby has had on his own lately… (i.e. How do you negotiate with a toddler to get them to UNLOCK the door while you’re trapped in the garage in your boxer shorts? Especially since said toddler is the one who locked you out to begin with?)… Yeah, pray for us both.

So tonight was really nice. I attempted a Shepherd’s Pie recipe for the second time and surprisingly, it turned out pretty damn good. I would post the recipe, but am fastly approaching “too buzzed” to talk about anything serious. But needless to say, I’m pretty smug right now about my new-found cooking abilities (if you want to go so far as to call them that). Remember this is coming from someone who could barely boil water correctly. We also watched Wall-E with the boys. Gavin was all over the place, but I was happy with how well Quentin sat through the movie. He was so cute! When they showed scenes of Wall-E and EVE in love, he would say “Mommy and Daddy!”. He’s only 2.5, but wondering if he isn’t ready to see a movie in a real theater yet?

Tomorrow is a new week and I’m hoping to be a bit more productive than I’ve been in the last two weeks. I think I’ve had enough time to let the newness of being unemployed settle in. It’s time for the domestic ass-kicking to set in and the crazy-mad organizational skills to take ahold of the situation. Unfortunately, having two screaming, hyper houligans running around makes for little time to do anything but CLEAN UP AFTER MESSES. Forget about forward thinking! Somehow I must master the art of entertaining the boys AND cleaning/organizing. Or I am just crazy to think it’s even doable?

P.S. the worst part of drinking beer is having to PEE every 15 minutes!

As much as I ranted about bosslady (aka: TDWSH – if you read my old blog you know what that stands for!), I sort of miss being her admin. All of the ass-chewing aside, most of the time I felt important, needed, talented even! I know I should feel all of that with my kids, and I do! But it’s still hard. Being unemployed is the weirdest feeling! Talk about isolation city! I’ve worked since I was 16 years old. I know I’ll get over it. I gotta give myself time to “grieve”, it’s only been one week. Yeesh, two months ago I would have NEVER expected myself to say that! Me? Missing my job? I was hanging by the last thread, somewhere in between insanity, exhaustion, and seriously NOT having fun anymore. I could hardly wait to blow that popsicle stand! Now- I’m a sad little cupcake, missing my importantness. (I know that’s not even a real word, get over it.)

It’s fine now. Kids are napping. We took them for haircuts and to IKEA for lunch (and to buy a super cheap coffee table I saw when I was there last week with my friend Jan). Gavin did REALLY well with his haircut this time. It turns out the trick is to give him a lollipop. Doy! He’s never had one before, so he was so involved with mackin’ on it, he didn’t mind the scissors or clippers this time. Didn’t even notice! Quentin on the other hand… OhMyFREAKINGod. He was TERRIBLE! He was screaming bloody murder!!!! Not even Philip could hold him down. At one point we thought we were going to have to take him home with literally half his hair cut! He was bawling, bright red, and all booger-y. He was a HOT MESS! It was very traumatic for EVERYONE in that store – especially Philip. I also feel sorry for the one customer trying to get her haircut in peace. I’m sorry lady! I’ve had my tubes tied, I promise you!

Then I was suddenly hit by an awful bout of diarrhea (definitely the stress) and had to make a beeline for Fry’s with Gavin, who also smelled like he needed a serious diaper change. Turns out he was just seriously FARTING. When we got back to Cost Cutters, Quentin was finally done and it was Philip’s turn. Quentin’s hair turned out okay. Still a little long on top, but considering the screaming demon child she had to work with, the hairdresser did pretty well. One girl completely gave up on him and another girl had to step in. Philip was pretty stressed at that point, sweating buckets! Both boys were overheated too. I was also all sweaty and my stomach was still pretty jacked up. I walked them over to Jack in the Box in 110 degree heat and got them a Strawberry/Banana smoothie to share. THANK GOD I stood my ground and demanded we take the stroller, when Philip and I were standing in the driveway arguing about it. I have no idea how we would have managed without it! I would have crapped my pants trying to CARRY Gavin over to Fry’s in time! NO JOKE!!!

After Philip’s haircut, we went to IKEA and ate lunch in the IKEA café. It was decent. I’d eaten there once before and LOVED the Swedish meatballs and mashed potatoes. Totally authentic tasting. Quentin was his usual self- he drank lots of chocy-milk, but hardly ate anything. Gavin ate pretty well, also as usual. Once again, Quentin was a shrieking-monster-of-unspent-energy all throughout the store. We were determined to shop though, much to the chagrin of everyone else in the marketplace. We got a really cheap coffee table ($29.99) for the living room that matches all the other IKEA crap we have. We’re determined not to purchase any grown-up (aka: nice/fancy) furniture until the kids are older, mostly because being boys and therefore being monsters, they eat furniture for lunch. Also got a huge living room rug for $17.99. Some new throw pillows/covers for the couch, a pyrex dish to make casseroles in (we used to have one of these and not sure what happened to it) and since I’ve actually been cooking (that’s another story, but let’s just say we’ve all had diahrrea at least once from my “cooking”) we really needed one. We also got some plastic ware (little cups so Quentin can start to ditch the sippy cups) and some plastic kids utensils. IKEA was crazy, but nothing beats Quentin at Cost Cutters!!!! We came home and put them both right to nap. Going on outings is STILL super difficult and mostly traumatic! We’re wondering if it will EVER get easier?

My sweet friend Mary invited us to go to a water park on Friday, but I’m super scared of taking the both of them myself! Philip and I can barely keep our shit together when it’s the two of us! But just me, add water, and 2 screaming boys? OH HELL NAH! Unfortunately, I think that’s one invite I might have to decline :/

So other than my son making a spectacle of himself in Cost Cutters, what else is new? It feels weird to be at home. Jobless! There are so many things for me to do (projects!), so I’m not scared of being bored. Just worried about the money (or lack thereof). Upon advice from family/friends, I (almost) applied for unemployment this morning, but after getting so far in the system, ending up chickening out. Both Philip and I agree not to mess with it. Not worth going to jail over! They are SERIOUS about fraud. It’s all over the DES site. They’re very clear that unemployment is not for those that VOLUNTARY end their employment. They’re clear that unemployment is for people who are laid off and fully intend to find a full-time job as soon as they can. They ask some VERY tough questions. We were both SO UNCOMFORTABLE while going through the online process, we said it wasn’t worth it. They wanted the bosslady’s name/contact info and there was an entire page asking for explanation as to why I couldn’t work out “the issues” prior to quitting. I didn’t want to lie/make up a half-baked story or put bosslady in a bad position if they were to call her! So basically, filing for unemployment is just not going to be an option for us. Bottom line. We will suffer the honest way, like all the other families who’ve decided to be home for the kids and live on one income.

Day 1 down, the rest of my life to go…